As I approach 37, way more than you wanted to know...

My birthday is quickly approaching and since it's been an eventful year for me, I wanted to write a quick post about it. But when have I ever written a quick post? The truth is, it's an odd post to write, because I make an effort NOT to talk about my weight and my issues with body image and food and all that stuff here. Or really anywhere... except with a few close friends, or when asked direct questions by other friends. I have no problem talking about it; I like honest. But it's not really the most exciting or uplifting topic. Also, I'm pretty obsessed with the desire to instill in my daughters (and Peter, but I tend to view this as a bigger issue for the girls) a healthy mindset about weight and nutrition and an appreciation for the bodies God gave us.

That said, a lot of you saw our family photo from Easter and the response was overwhelming! I totally agree that my family is STUNNING, thank you very much, and I did put some time and effort (more than I want to admit) into coordinating those outfits, so I appreciate the kudos. You also commented on FB and via email about me, and I appreciate that as well. 2014 has been a very good year for me, as many of you noted.

Here's the scoop. I'm not trying to sell you anything, but people have asked. Feel free to scan past this if it bores you. It won't hurt my feelings one bit. Alternately, feel free to call or drop me a note if you want more info.

I was tired of being overweight as 2013 came to a close, but I wasn't feeling motivated to really do anything about it. I prayed about it, a lot, and repeatedly rejected the pull I was feeling toward a particular diet plan. At some point, though, it struck me that maybe that was the answer to the prayers, for all that it seemed silly to me. I sort of just expected God to grace me with extraordinary self control and high metabolism, or to help me find peace with my body as it was, not encourage me to sign up for a program. But it turns out he did all of that. The program is called Metabolic Research Center (which I can never say without joking about how infomercial-ish it sounds) and I knew a couple women from our parish who'd been wildly successful on it. One of them is now a consultant. I reached out to her, and she signed me up. I started on January 1, on a 17 week program to lose 48 pounds to get to my goal. In reality, it took me 14 weeks to lose 50 pounds, and I've been at my goal weight for the past two weeks! I can hardly believe it myself. It really went so smoothly and easily for me, that it seems unreal.

The basic plan is high protein, tons of veggies, low carbs, low overall calories. No sugar, no caffeine, no alcohol. I figured I could do anything for 17 weeks, though, and I stuck to it to the letter. They offer all sorts of extra supplements and things, but the whole idea of dieting through pills turns me off, so I declined any of the additional stuff, and they were fine with that. I had a couple days at the front end, while detoxing off sugar, that were sort of miserable, but once I was past that, I was in awe of how easy it was to not eat the junk food. I could look at cake and see that it looked delicious, but not crave it. I was in control. I was almost never hungry, despite the low calorie intake. I was occasionally bored with my food choices, but it wasn't difficult.

Now I'm in their "transition" phase for a few weeks, then I'll be on their "maintenance" plan indefinitely. I'm getting back foods I'd given up (hello, morning coffee!). I've cheated a bit here and there while on transition. There was the doughnut at Elliot's birthday party at Renee's, and I had dessert AND wine on Easter. I can see the increase in cravings as a result, but I still feel a level of control way above where I was last year. I find it all so interesting, to analyze my own body's responses to foods, and which cause me to crave other foods, etc. I'm curious to see how this will play out on their maintenance plan, but I'm taking it one step at a time right now.

I've gone round and round about this post, because there are so many things I want to say, but I don't want it to come across as begging for compliments or comfort, or whining, or looking a gift horse in the mouth. Yet it feels weird to gloss over it, as well. Here's the thing... I've had body image issues for... a long time. Most women have, right? So now, it's incredible, because I'm AT MY GOAL. I see that number on the scale, and I see the clothes a size smaller than I ever even dreamed I'd wear again, and I am glad and proud and comfortable in my skin.

And yet. I'm still very self-conscious. Partly because I'm not used to "the new me" yet. Partly because I only have a few clothes that fit right, and I'm wearing baggy shirts, half tucked into my new jeans as a temporary fix till I get around to buying new. Partly because I feel like people must wonder why I'd stop here. I'm still just sort of average sized. Wouldn't I want to keep going? To be more conventionally "thin", or even "skinny"?! Why was THIS my goal?

I would like to get more exercise and see the toning benefits of that; that much is true. But the fact is, I did choose this goal, and it was very intentional. If I'm being honest, it's lower than I would have chosen if I'd thought I'd ever actually succeed. My primary hope is to be able to maintain this, and I know my body too well to think that I could maintain "skinny", if I ever even got there. One of the things that impressed me when I first went to MRC for info was that the "goal range" they provided me felt realistic. It wasn't just based on BMI, but on a whole bunch of factors (that some magic scale they have can tell them?! Technology these days is crazy... or they just made it all up. Whatever. It worked.), and the goal I'd tossed out was smack in the middle of their range, even though my BMI wouldn't quite be below 25. So I guess, technically, I'm at goal but still a touch "overweight". I'm okay with that.

I weigh less than I did on my wedding day. Less, in fact, than I did when I graduated from college. I'm wearing the same size clothes I wore when I started college. I can be content here. Confident even! It's just taking me some time to get used to it all.

Before we got a good family photo, I'd asked my friend Sarah to take a few pictures of me so I could show myself off in my new jeans, when I shared this bit of success with all of you in the blogosphere. You've seen me now, all dressed up, but I'll still share a few of her pics. Can I just say first, though, how awkward it is to pose without a kid in my arms, or in front of me, or even in the photo at all?! I felt ridiculous. Sarah is a champion good friend, and she coached me through it. We had a lot of laughs in the process. And still, my favorite photo is one when I'd looked away because I may not be hiding from the camera any more, but that doesn't make me love to see myself in the frame.

Thanks for bearing with me and reading about my little journey and all that. I'll just wrap up by saying that you needn't worry that I've changed in any essential way ("In essentials, I believe, he is very much what he ever was." -Jane Austen). As my birthday quickly approaches, I'm still dreaming chocolate cake dreams and one of the highlights of getting to maintenance for me is learning how to fit in a regular glass of wine without having to call it "cheating". Every time I read the quippy tidbits around the MRC office like "Remember: Food is not a Reward" followed by a list of non-food reward suggestions, I laughed internally and run through a mental checklist of foods that really are a reward, because they are just that good and just that worth it... Check out my pinterest recipe board if you doubt me. I've been hoarding all the recipes I can't wait to try. Maybe my attitude is bad and I'll fail miserably at this whole maintenance thing. But I feel a strength and a control now that I haven't had in a long time, if ever. It feels good.