Mom-xiety

I can't speak to what concerns weigh most heavily on a dad when he's doing something crazy and adventurous like moving his family a third of the way around the globe for a year, but I can speak to the anxiety that my mom-heart and mind have carried. I'm not a naturally anxious person, and I fully recognize that that's likely due to the fact that we've always been comfortable. We've had months of tightening our financial belts and months of less concern. We budget and shop sales, but we've never wondered how we would buy food, or whether we'd manage to pay our utility bills and keep the heat on. My kids have gone to school with holes in their shoes, but that's because it's April and no way am I investing in new shoes when we've nearly made it to flip-flop season and also I'm lazy, not because I couldn't run out for a pair of new shoes if I wanted to.

All this to say, I recognize my middle class privilege here. The past few weeks have been interesting and made me think harder about how much we have and take for granted, while still being a silly, high level of anxiety. I mentioned this in the i/g story I shared today, so wanted to go into more detail here.

This whole trip, I've been running at a steady low level of anxiety. Not, like, inability to function level of stress, just a slow-draining, underlying stress that exhausts me and makes things harder than they ought to be. Nathaniel asked me the other day what was troubling me, and it's hard to explain because everything is good. It's fine. We're eating and warm and clothed. The kids are enjoying their school and Rachel is a champ at being my sidekick, and our flat is lovely. And yet...

~ when we moved in, thanks to the kindness of a near stranger, we had sheets for everyone and I'd brought towels and there were handful of throw blankets around, but there were no real blankets for the beds. It got chilly the first few nights, and I lay in bed, really bothered by the fact that my kids didn't have blankets on their beds. If I was waking up cold, were they okay?! They had warm jammies, and could have layered more clothes on. They weren't going to suffer. But it still ate at me that something so basic wasn't taken care of. That's why IKEA was Rachel's and my first big outing, so I could buy them all duvets. We got the cheapest "warmer" model available since we can't bring them home with us. When I handed them out to the kids that afternoon, I felt so much better in an instant. The whole house has heat that we still haven't turned on, but I let the lack of blankets drive me to distraction. It's not rational... it's just a mom-thing.

~ we have a small grocery around the corner (about three Lincoln blocks' walk), a slightly larger one about six blocks away, and increasingly larger options the further you're willing to walk. Food is available for purchase and we have the means to do so, so this needn't be a point of major stress. But these kids! They want to eat every single day! Three times a day! Plus snacks! And I am the one responsible for providing that food. It's this constant weight, because as I try to plan meals every recipe calls for something I don't know how to find in the stores, or I think will surely be available then is not, and I don't have a well stocked kitchen so I have to get creative. I found meal planning and prep annoying at home (I love to bake; cooking is a chore), but here it's something else entirely. I end up at the grocery story nearly every day. Some days it's because I realize there's a basic ingredient that would have been in my home pantry but I haven't stocked yet here. Many days it's because we run out of milk (they sell it in one-liter cartons - that's about the same as a quart, so a quarter of a gallon - we go through more than one a day). Mostly it's because we don't have a car, so whatever I purchase I have to carry home, and while three blocks isn't far, that grocery store is small (maybe 2/3 the size of A Street Market, for you Lincoln folks) and has a limited selection. The first time Rachel and I made a "bigger" shopping run - one that would hopefully cover us for three or four days - to one of the further stores, my shoulders were sore for days after from carrying things home. I have to figure out how this is going to work better. I need bigger kids (or N) to help me carry a larger grocery run. Or I need to accept that I'll make every other day trips. I miss my upright freezer and Sam's Club. This all weighs on me both as the household finance person and as the mom responsible for feeding the hungry mouths all day. I have to plan meals. I have to buy groceries. I'm finding a groove, but it's taking time. In the meantime, Peter appears to have reached the "always hungry" phase of boyhood, because he does not stop asking for food. Ever. And snack food is a huge hassle here. I don't know whether I'm missing an aisle in the store, but I cannot find the granola bars and goldfish! I may try to find the ingredients (wish me luck) to make my own granola bars, but knowing my kids, they'll whine about them and make me grumpy.

~ in addition to wanting to eat, my irrational children also insist on continuing to age. Meg's birthday is tomorrow. Since before we arrived, she's talked about wanting to go to the amusement park in town for her birthday. We've seen some of the super cool roller coasters as we've passed by it to other attractions in town. But of course it's expensive, and in the annoying "1 to 3 tickets per ride", state fair kind of expensive that can get out of hand fast. We talked the idea down, and she's fine not doing that now, but I still want her to feel special and enjoy her birthday. As I mentioned on i/g today, hers is the first in our family's "birthday season" which is closely followed by Christmas and it's like all the gifts have to be given in the next few months, and how we play this birthday will set a precedent for all the upcoming birthdays. We don't really want a bunch of new toys while we're here, and we can't plan to take home much more than we brought so buying anything large would be silly. And yet... and yet. I'm a mom, and I want so badly to give my children wonderful holiday experiences. It has truly weighed heavy on me the past week or so. Rachel and I spent two mornings shopping fruitlessly because nothing seemed right and reasonable and fun. The truth is, I've been over-thinking and over-worrying it. I actually have known that the whole time. But darn it, she asked for a cheesecake and I don't have my springform pan or a mixer and I have no idea where to find the cream cheese (I have since found a tasty looking "cream cheese bars" recipe that uses a 9x13 pan and located the cream cheese - all will be well), and it all piles up into heaps and heaps of mom-xiety because I love my kids and want all the good things for them. Apparently at school here the thing to do is to bring a gift bag of goodies for all your classmates. The first one Meg brought home had a couple toys, some candy and a little wrapped snack cake in a character-themed bag. A few thoughts: (1) There are 23 kids in Meg's class, so that's A LOT of bags of goodies $$$; (2) Where does one buy party favor toys in bulk here?!; (3) How does a school that doesn't allow you to send packed lunches or anything but a piece of fruit for a snack because of their no sweets/nuts/etc policy allow this practice? Thankfully, there've been two more birthdays since (it's been a busy two weeks!) and they passed out slightly smaller treats. Also, thankfully, Meg is pretty chill. I found some plain cellophane bags and little stickers to close them, and then bought a big bag of balloons and a couple types of candy. Meg had fun assembling them and hopefully will have fun passing them out tomorrow. That was just one more little bonus stress on top of an already stressful situation that I could have done without, you know?

~ the exchange rate has steadily gotten worse for us since we found out we were coming to Sweden. I don't know if it's asking you to pray for harm to a whole country full of people for our benefit, but if you could say a little prayer that the exchange rate improves for us, I'd appreciate it. Back in the spring, we had a chance to rent another professor's flat, and it was AWESOME. I wanted to go for it so badly, just to check that off our to do list. Nathaniel insisted we'd find something less expensive, and happily we did. (Not just less expensive but with an even better location!) With the change in the exchange rate it would have been yet another $500/month more than when we originally considered it at, and it was already about three times our monthly mortgage payment back then. The difference the shift in one krona per dollar can make is astounding (it's gone down from 9 krona/dollar to 8). That's just one piece of all the headache that managing our finances here causes me. I'm a detail oriented person with a lifetime of checkbook balancing under my belt (and a degree in accounting), but with conversion rates and trying to spend on a credit card that doesn't charge international transaction fees and huge rent payments plus rental income from home... it's just a lot. It really is. (Also, side note, the US's use of the English measurement system has has always suited me fine, till now. When I'm grocery shopping, to have a sense for what I'm paying, I have to both convert the price to dollars AND the measurement to pounds/ounces. So, for instance, a package of frozen chicken breasts might be on sale 900g for 60sek. That means it's about 2lbs for about $7.50, so $3.25/lb, so that's a decent price. But that's a lot of quick mental math when I'm already stressed about not being able to read the labels or find what I'm looking for in a tiny, unfamiliar store, and I may have a small child or two milling about, pushing the novel little carts that look like baskets you carry but have wheels and a long handle you can push/pull them with into other shoppers.)

I could go on and on (obviously, since I just did). You get the idea. As I find some routine here, these things are getting easier and better and less stressful. I remind myself that our landlords moved their family to Bangkok for two years, so my adventure is tame by comparison! Almost everyone here speaks my language. Imagine if they didn't? The labels might not have English subtitles, but I can always ask someone at the store to translate it (or my phone can give its best translation). It could be a million times more complicated. We chose our own adventure - we weren't forced to leave our home and country by war or natural disaster. I cannot imagine how it would feel to truly want for blankets or food for my children and not just have to wait a day or walk a few blocks for it. I could be legitimately unable to purchase a gift for my child and not just be unable to find something just right for the situation. We are blessed beyond measure. I'm grateful for this whole crazy adventure, despite the anxiety that comes with it.