Playing catch up - TWELVE Edition

The oldest kid's birthday is always the biggest shock. It's understandable, since your oldest is the one who ages you the most (both in people's minds and in reality cause all those "firsts" are crazy hard work).

Marianne turned 12 and celebrated several times. I generally feel like we're keeping things simple for the birthdays, then as they approach I realize I've baked a whole lot of goodies for a whole lot of events and how did she just end up having three different parties?! Two of them really were simple affairs, this time (dinner out with our family, and a movie night with a couple friends from school). The third was a joint party for Marianne, Peter and Rachel, and will get it's own post soon.

Marianne is a great kid. She's old enough now that I don't feel comfortable sharing things that are very personal about her on the internet, because I wouldn't want her to share personal things about herself here, but I will say that she has a very tender heart. She can be hard on her siblings, especially Ruth and Meg, but when it really matters, she's loves them deeply and shows it in the sweetest ways. She's forever making little crafts to gift to them. She likes to surprise people, with gifts or acts of kindness, or by jumping out and scaring them. I prefer the former options. Marianne is incredibly affectionate and is learning to give a really excellent back rub. I offer to let her practice on me pretty much any time.

Shopping for new clothes a few days before her birthday. I love that we can crack
each other up at the mall. She called this H&M's "Cruella de Vil coat".

She's begun asking for electronics a lot lately and the battle is on. There are only a handful of kids in her class with their own devices, or at least with access to social media on those devices, and we've made it clear in the past that she shouldn't expect a phone or even a tablet of her own any time soon. That makes her a lot grumpier lately than it used to. Thankfully I can point to lots of her friends who also don't have them, and she says we're all "over protective" and I say she's probably right. If she hasn't grumped away by then, I sometimes add that in the long run she may just look back and be grateful. Or not. But she won't be worse off at 25 for not having had Instagram at 12.

Instead of her dreamed-of iPod Touch, she got a camera for her birthday. It worked out perfectly that her class went on a field trip a few days later on which absolutely no electronic devices were allowed except for classic cameras. You should see the slew of photos of the girls in her class on the bus! It took me back. So many pictures of sleeping friends and friends making crazy faces and friends holding up hands to block the photo. Some things never change. She loves her new camera. She's still upset that we won't let her have a Touch, of course. (I recently asked her whether she'd be upset if she got a shuffle for Christmas, since between her camera and the shuffle she'd have all the functions that we'd allow her to use on a Touch if she had one, but I don't want to turn Christmas into "worst ever" fodder by giving her a gift that would offend her. She was too frustrated at the time to answer. I'll ask again later. That's one of ways I'm learning to interact with pre-teen Marianne. Often the emotions are just too much, so I have to let her stew a little, settle, then come back to her later and try the conversation over.)

Birthday dinner at Culvers, with ice cream instead of cake. That's a candle, not a straw.
She was super embarrassed that we sang to her, but I think also really happy.

We've admitted to Marianne numerous times that she'll always be our test case, our trial run. She'll have lots of opportunities to be annoyed that her younger siblings are getting to do things younger than she did, or that we've gotten more lax on certain rules. We've also pointed out that she got away with not having to set the table or put away her own laundry years longer than Meg, because we hadn't yet learned what younger kids are capable of. That's poor comfort to her, though. It's similar to saying, "Hey! Look on the bright side! You can't have your own room now, but there was a year a half that you DID! None of your siblings ever got their own room!" That's eye roll material, for sure.

Oh man. I love this kid. She can drain me emotionally. And yet, she still opens up to me about all the things going on at school, about her hopes and dreams and fears. I have so many hopes and dreams and fears of my own, for her. I'll take the emotional workout any day to hold on to the closeness in our relationship. I wish I could solve every problem she has and carry her safely through these complicated, confusing, crazy years ahead till she's safely on the other side and confident in the person she's become. Confident in the amazing person I know she will be. But I can't. Instead, I can muddle through with her, learning together. Over-protecting where I see fit, and letting her take risks elsewhere.

I feel like TWELVE is a gateway age; I'm equal parts excited and terrified to see what's on the other side. She's nearly able to wear my shoes and borrow my clothes, and she's asking about make up and a hair dryer. I'm taking deep breaths and praying for us both, and holding her hand while she'll still let me.

Happy birthday to my Marianne! I couldn't love her more.